I am Bunim/Murray’s bitch.

Real World? Watch it. Road Rules? Watch it. Reunion shows? Watch ‘em. Hook-ups? Bought the DVD. Real World versus Road Rules Challenges? You couldn’t pry my fat ass from in front of that TV for all the money in the world shoved down Julian McMahon’s tighty whiteys and a free pass to shove my hand in said drawers to retrieve the cash. I’m not kidding.

I freely admit my unholy love for those shows. I can wax poetic for hours on the merits of one season over another of Real World. I can tell you which missions from Road Rules would have had me shitting myself in abject fear and which ones were completely stupid. I can recite a love chain for those shows like nobody’s business—who is dating who, who is fucking who, who is married to who. If there were a Six Degrees of Bunim/Murray, I would rock it.

I can, with all seriousness, discuss the complete whoredom of Trashelle. I will explain, in great detail, just why it is that Melissa hates the Mormonster Mulie (tm TWOP). I can tell you whose careers have flourished and who milks the B/M machine (Veronica, I’m looking at you, skank). I can talk about the progression of gay rights and AIDS awareness in relation to cast members from each season. I can tell you how I have unashamedly watched Road Rules for vacation planning ideas. I can discourse at length about the Machiavellian subplots on the Challenges (now I’m looking at Emily, who rocked the notion of “You fucked my boyfriend? Your skank ass is leaving, Veronica,” as well as Adam “I don’t have a reason for screwing you over, Sarah, I just will. Oooh, by the way, I’m getting left-over Trashelle pussy!”).

See? I’m freak for these shows.

So imagine my absolute delight and glee when I recently found out that I have an inside source for the Bunim/Murray gossip mill. A dear friend of mine’s brother is part of production on the Challenge shows. Of course, he’s got convictions and a signed affidavit prohibiting him from giving me the dirt until the show wraps, but STILL…he will be able to answer all my questions: What did Piggy OD on? Is she alright? Is Timmy as funny, cute and precious in person? Knowing that Trashelle is the hoiest ho of them all, how do people even talk to her without laughing in her face? Ditto that for Veronica. Does Katie’s GIANT mole transfix everyone who speaks to her or would that just be me? Is Jeremy as annoying in person, with his pursed lips and constant braying of ‘I gotta represent?” What the hell happened to Holly as she used to be such a cutie and now she looks like someone stole her upper lip? Is David’s puffiness due to alcoholism or cheeseburgers?

I have no doubt my friend's brother will look at me like I’m a giant freak. I really don’t care, as long as he spills his guts. I officially have no pride. And I’m okay with that.