Warning: I’m going to be an absolute bitch henceforth. If you find rantiness about bratty children and their oblivious parents offensive, move along. If you don’t like hearing bitching about inconsiderate people, this is not the place for you. You’ve been warned.

I go to mass for several reasons, most of which are personal and private. But I feel comfortable saying that I go to mass for quiet, contemplative time and I also go to hear the words of our parish priest, whom I hold in high esteem. I go to experience the weekly readings and to contemplate their meaning in my life. I go to partake of the Eucharist and all that means to me.

I do not go to mass to hear your horrifically behaved child run up and down the pews, pulling the kneelers down on his whim with a resounding thud. Nor do I go to mass to have him stand on said kneelers and run his Tonka trucks up and down the pew, getting his super duper truck caught in my hair! Oh, and really, there is no need for you or your little monster to apologize! No! No! Hey, Mother of the Year, when your kid starts SCREECHING above the priest who is using a microphone? Get off your ass and take the kid out of the church, at the very least ,to the back of the church.

Also, I do not go to mass to hear your child hacking, spewing and snotting all over the place. I do not go to have that same child launch his obviously germ ridden body fluids all over the pews, the missals, and me as you proffer your little darling to me during the Sign of Peace. And screw you, lady, for giving me the fish eye when I merely smiled and said, “Peace be with you,” rather than become a carrier because you couldn’t possibly keep your ass home today. You know what? Ask yourself WWJD? Jesus would NOT infect the entire freaking parish just so we can see your pretty new outfit and ooh and ahh over the cuteness of your darling little precious pants. Jesus would keep his ass home so the rest of us can avoid the flu that your screeching howler monkey child is intent on spreading. Stay home. Jesus heals the sick. Hopefully, he’ll heal your kid…at home.

And by the way, it is a communal cup. However, you can walk past the wine, brother, when you are obviously ill. If you need a nip of the ripple, here’s a fiver. Stop on the way home and get a bottle. Otherwise, keep on walking. I’ve already had the aforementioned monster’s germs spewed all over me, I don’t need to take a slug of wine after you backwash your particular strain of influenza into it.

Listen, I understand that you and your family have every right to come to church. I appreciate that. I also appreciate that you are spending quality time with your kid. I understand that you are teaching them about your faith and that they will only learn how to behave by coming to church. I understand that everyone gets sick. I understand that you want to be at mass, to fulfill your obligation.

But, use some common sense. If your kid is sick, don’t take them out in freezing temps, even to church. If your kid is in a bad mood, don’t make them come to church and expect them to behave for an hour. If you aren’t going to discipline your child, don’t inflict their poor behavior on other people. If you are sick, don’t put your germy lips all over a cup that other people are going to be drinking from.

It’s not hard. It’s just thinking of other people more than you think about yourself.