I’m going to bitch, bitch, bitch like there is no tomorrow. If I don’t bitch about all the things swirling around in my head right now, I’m going to lash out inappropriately and kill someone. While I’m not above killing certain people, I’m guessing that the inappropriateness of it would have me killing someone I like rather than someone who deserves it.

So, onward to bitch central:

What the FUCK is the deal with the monster cramps this month? Hello, Uterus? Knock it the fuck off. I get it. You are shedding lining. I’m a bad, bad Catholic for taking the pill. Cut me some slack. Being doubled over in pain and getting no sleep and WEEPING is no fun and is not making me want to stop the damned pill any sooner.

Weddings can suck my…big toe. I’m so incredibly over this wedding, I can’t even begin to tell you. Oh wait, I will tell you:

o People who do NOT RSVP should be shot at dawn. Listen, I spent an absolute ASS load of money on postage. All you have to do is PUT THE GODDAMNED RESPONSE CARD IN THE MAIL BOX. For being so lazy and not sending it back? Fuck off.

o People who get all PISSY because we have decided to not have children at the wedding should GET THE FUCK OFF THEIR HIGH HORSE. Do you REALLY want to know why we’re not having kids there? I’ll tell you. It’s because YOUR drunken ass will NOT watch your kids and I’ll be one stressed out bitch trying to make sure no one snatches your kid, kills your kid or gets your kid drunk. Fuck you very much for making me out to be a child hater, when nothing could be further from the truth. And you know what? Because of YOUR stupid ass, I cannot invite the kids in my life who ARE important to me because YOU would FREAK THE FUCK OUT if Little Precious Pants weren’t invited but other kids were. Again, I say: FUCK OFF.

o People who say things like: “Your invitations were so PLAIN!” “Your dress is so PLAIN!” and “Your cake is so SIMPLE AND PLAIN!” can all kiss my giant fat white ass. We are not frilly, frou-frou people. We like plain. Plain is elegant. Need I say it? Fuck off.

o In-laws who think alcohol is BAD BAD BAD can lick my…big toe. I realize that your uber right wing conservative Christian religion says that barley and hops are the devil’s business. I’m Catholic. We drink. We laugh. We have fun. Look into it. It’s called having a personality. And while we’re on the subject? Fuck off.

o Having to listen to my mother bitch incessantly because I deigned to invite my ex to my wedding (he’s not coming and I KNEW he wouldn’t come) is quite possibly one of the concentric circles of hell. I love you, Mom, but you don’t know EVERYTHING, so, um, yeah, fuck off.

o Having my matron of honor DESPISE one of my bridesmaids and making the whole thing a giant pain in my ass is another circle of hell. I addressed all the invites alone so I wouldn’t have to worry about hurt feelings. I also have to listen to the MOH rant about the Bridesmaid (who is a wonderful person, by the way) and I feel incredibly depressed, tired and over all, shitty every time the wedding is mentioned. Everything is NOT about race nor a plot against Fat Girls (and dammit, I’m a fat girl and I SEE those plots!). GAHHHHH. FUUUUUCCCCKKKK OFFFF!!!

Also, school? There is a GIANT pot smoking, Steve Earle wanna be, H-Train riding FREAK in my World Music class whom I am sure I’m going to either kill or turn in for the Crime Stopper Reward before this semester is over. Oh, and the INSANE heifer in my religion class? SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. I do NOT care that your first husband was a cross dresser and therefore, the Spawn of Satan. I do NOT care that you feel betrayed by the Catholic Church for not granting you an immediate and FREE annulment. SHUT UP!! She may very well die before the end of the semester too.

Sweet Jesus, that felt good! I could never, ever say half of this stuff out loud, but I’m going to seriously snap if I don’t have some outlet for all this. I swear, I’ll be nicer next entry.